Are We Wired for Love?
Understanding your own brain better and recognizing your attachment style will help you defuse conflict and build secure relationships in your future. Allow me helping you with this by using Tatkin's (2011) book "Wired for Love" in combination with my own experiences. Through this powerful combination I can present you with concrete tips, tricks and exercises to be or become wired for love.
Primitives at War
Ambassadors our Peacekeepers
“The brain is wired first and foremost for war, rather than for love. Its primary function is to ensure we survive as individuals and as species.”
This is what Tatkin writes within the first part of his book, but then why would his book be called Wired for Love?
It’s actually quite simple, we have to understand this principle first before we can learn how to connect to love in a constructive and healthy way. The part of our brain that is so good at surviving is also the part that is keeping us from getting into relationships or staying in one.
There are two important parts in our brain we have to understand towards our behaviour to our loved ones.
1° Our brain is incredibly good at keeping us from being killed, but exactly that part of the brain doesn’t care about specifics, calculations, or any other factors that are time consuming – aka our primitives.
2° Luckily, we have a more evolved, social part of our brain which interacts with other brains in a refined, civil manner. We call this the ambassadors, see it as the diplomats within.
Primitives = survival
Our primitives are always present and always scanning the surrounding for danger. This also means they are on a constant lookout for threatening signs and signals coming from our partners.
Have you ever frozen when your partner asks you the simple question “Can we talk?” Depending on the events beforehand, the tone of voice and other factors that might come over as a threat, our body prepares for something vaguely warlike even though we might not be consciously aware of it.
In that specific moment, did you notice any stiffness or tightening of your muscles, shortness of breath, your hearth that skipped a beat, anything you might relate to a fight – flight – freeze?
This is your primitives being at work, and I can promise you 9 out of 10 they will make it almost impossible to react in a civilized way while not further escalating the situation.
Ambassadors = peace -> room for love
Luckily the ambassadors exist. It’s the rational, social, and very civilized part of our brain. By nature, they are calm, cool, and collected, and like to weigh options and plan for the future. It’s the part that allows us to be in relationships for the purpose of more than simple procreation and survival of the species.
When we feel at war, this is the part that needs to kick-in, so we can be fully present and actually be part of the conversation instead of being triggered in our trauma pieces. Ever had a moment afterwards that you thought “Hmm, I might have overreacted there.”? If you haven’t, I am sorry to break the news to you but you have to take a long look in the mirror. Everyone has these moments and this is the moment our ambassadors are activated.
For everyone in doubt, we want more of this! How can we put our primitives at ease allowing us to make love and avoid war?
Be aware of your primitives and identify them in action. This will help you to hold them in check. It’s about knowing your warning signs.
Next time you are in a discussion see if you can recognize the bodily signs above, or think about flushing of the skin, narrowing of the eyes, dilating of the pupils, raising of the voice, and verbal expressions of threat and anger.
Good to know, if you are able to notice them in action, they can’t have gained the upper hand. If they are the once in control, it’s too late - one solution remains: wait until the storm has passed.It’s always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not. What do you need for your ambassadors to kick-in quicker? Think about taking a deep breath before saying something, being in connection with your body and your sensations, maybe it’s taking a walk and stepping literally out of the warzone for a moment.
Identify your loved ones their primitives and ambassadors in action. Recognizing that the primitives are in charge in your partner might help you to avoid further conflict, by not putting extra fuel on the fire. Find ways how to communicate in a non-threathening safe way that you’re noticing this. Maybe physical contact helps you both to come back into the here and now instead of in the warzone.
Attachement Styles
I don’t think I’m telling you something new when I tell you that there are different attachment styles. It’s a way we relate to others and specifically relationships. In general, secure relationships are characterized as interactive, playful, sensitive and flexible. Basically, good feelings are predominated since any bad feelings are quickly soothed.
Talkin (2011) uses three terms to make this matter lighter, namely anchor, island and wave. To help you keep focus, I’ll use the summary that Talkin himself uses in his book underneath as a visual.
Tips when in conflict
If your partner is a wave, and thus anxiously attached, they may appear to be dramatic, overly expressive, emotional and irrational. Specifically, when under stress they can be unforgiving, rejecting, punishing and inflexible. They will tend to focus on the past.
What you can do to calm the system down (both your own and the one of your partner) is reaching out nonverbally. Use nonverbal friendliness; touch them gently, provide a calm presence. And when you do use words, be reassuring and soothing.
An islands on the other hand can come over as overly logical, arrogant, rational, unemotional, or as insufficiently empathic. When under stress they can become overly tense, inflexible, too silent or too still. In opposite to a wave, islands will focus on the future. Avoiding the present and the past.
While a wave likes nonverbal behaviour when in conflict, try reaching out to an islands by verbal friendliness. Talk your partner down by being reassuring, calming and rational (“I understand what you’re saying and it makes sense.”)
Supporting principles
If you haven’t noticed, all this is an invitation in understanding yourself and your partner better. If you’re single right now, it’s great to be aware of these aspects. Both how and why you react a certain way to people, as well as seeing your potential future partner in a different light and with that making an active choice to choose the relationship or not. If you’re in a relationship, it’s great to know how you can really be there for each other and how to build that secure relationship everyone longs for.
Two tips to sooth and please your (future) partner is 1° learn to rapidly repair damage and 2° prevent problems before they arise. For example, an island might feel easily intruded upon. Instead of calling their name you can approach quietly or say “I need to talk with you in a couple of minutes,” and then leave. A wave might feel like they are a burden, try saying something like “You’re no more of a burden to me than I am to you,” or “You’re one burden I’ll always enjoy carrying!”
There are so much more things to say about being wired for love and how to build secure relationships. I definitely recommend you to read the book of Talkin for more inspiration. It has great exercises that you can do alone or together with a partner.
I hope that this blog with background knowledge, tips and tricks, and a different perspective on how we are wired in relationships helps you to find that bit more peace and invites you to go into further exploration and growth. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below!
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Reference:
Tatkin, S. (2011). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain And Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict And Build A Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.