What Do I Want From a Relationship? A Guide to Identifying Your Relationship Priorities
Deciding what we want from a relationship and choosing the right partner can be a challenging task. To gain clarity and make informed choices, it's essential to understand our own desires, needs, and non-negotiables. In this blog post, we'll explore an exercise that helps you create a comprehensive list, enabling you to assess your own offerings, desired feelings, relationship aspirations, dealbreakers, and how your current partner aligns with your ideal vision.
Exercise: Creating Your Relationship Priorities List
Get ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery with this practical exercise, designed to reveal your true desires in a fulfilling relationship. Set aside 15 to 30 minutes, grab a pen and paper, and let's begin this transformative process.
Create five columns on your paper, placing it vertically, just like the example provided. Together, we will work through each column step by step. Ideally, you can involve your partner in this exercise, fostering a deeper understanding and the potential for joint exploration. Alternatively, you can start the list on your own and later engage in the bonus exercise together for further exploration and connection.
Step 1: Personal Attributes
In the first column, take a moment to recognize and appreciate the unique qualities, values, and strengths that you bring to a relationship. This step allows you to celebrate yourself and acknowledge the aspects of your personality that make you who you are. Consider the following aspects as you reflect on your personal attributes:
Qualities: Think about the positive qualities you possess, such as kindness, sense of humor, honesty, or empathic listener. These qualities contribute to creating a loving and supportive connection.
Values: Reflect on your core values and principles that guide your actions and decisions. These values shape your behavior within a relationship and influence the type of partner you seek. Think “effective communicator” when you value open communication as one of your personal attributes, emphasizing your commitment to honest and open dialogue in a relationship.
Strengths: Identify the strengths and talents you possess that can positively impact a partnership. These strengths can range from being a good problem solver, being creative, being an excellent planner.
Step 2: Desired Emotional Experience
In the second column, envision the emotional experience you desire in a relationship. Reflect on how you want to feel when you are with your partner. Consider the emotions that bring you joy, fulfillment, and a sense of connection. Here are a few examples to get you started:
Loved and cherished: You long to feel deeply loved, valued, and appreciated by your partner.
Supported and understood: You desire a partner who can empathize with your experiences and provide emotional support.
Excited and passionate: You want to feel a spark and a sense of excitement, with a partner who ignites your passion for life.
Secure and safe: You seek a relationship where you can trust and feel secure, allowing you to be vulnerable without fear of judgment or betrayal.
Step 3: Relationship Expectations
In the third column, let your imagination run wild and jot down all the things you desire in your ideal relationship. Don't hold back! Here are some examples to inspire you:
Open and honest communication: You want to be able to share your thoughts and feelings openly with your partner, fostering a strong foundation of communication.
Shared values and goals: You seek a partner who aligns with your core values and shares your aspirations for the future.
Quality time and shared interests: You value spending meaningful time together, engaging in activities that you both enjoy.
Mutual respect and support: You desire a relationship where both partners respect and support each other's individual growth and dreams.
Step 4: Non-Negotiables
Now, let's prioritize your relationship needs. In the fourth column, identify your non-negotiables—the essential aspects that are vital for your long-term happiness. Categorize them based on their importance to you. Here's an example of how you can categorize your priorities:
Dealbreakers: These are the absolute must-haves in a relationship, the aspects that you cannot compromise on.
Very important factors: These are highly significant to you, although not absolute dealbreakers.
Negotiable aspects: These are desirable qualities or preferences that you are open to compromising on if other core needs are met.
Nice-to-haves: These are the additional qualities or aspects that would be a bonus, but not essential for your happiness.
Step 5: Partner Evaluation, Comparing Your Vision with Reality
In the fifth column, it's time for a reality check. Compare the points from your ideal relationship list in column three with your current partner (or a former partner if you're single). This exercise helps you evaluate the alignment between your relationship vision and your current reality. It can provide valuable insights into your partner's compatibility with your desires and help you make informed decisions about the relationship.
Bonus: What Can We and/or I Work On?
As a bonus step, let's delve into the realm of personal and relational development. Take a moment to reflect on areas where growth and improvement are possible, both for yourself and as a couple. This introspective exercise allows you to identify specific actions and behaviors that can enhance your relationship and bridge any gaps between your expectations and reality. Embracing a mindset of continuous growth and improvement fosters the overall health and fulfillment of your relationship.
To further enhance this process, consider using different colors to visually represent different aspects. Choose one color to signify the areas where you can individually work on self-improvement, another color for the areas where you can collaborate and grow together as a couple, and a third color to highlight areas where your partner can contribute to improving the relationship. This color-coding technique adds clarity and makes it easier to identify the specific areas of focus for personal and shared growth.
As an intimacy coach dedicated to helping you create fulfilling relationships, I want to emphasize that this exercise is a powerful self-reflective tool. Its purpose is to provide clarity and guide you in making informed decisions about your relationships. It allows you to identify strengths and areas that may benefit from attention or discussion with your partner. Remember, this exercise is not meant to be a rigid checklist, but rather a transformative tool for personal growth, effective communication, and the pursuit of a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. Ultimately, you hold the key to attaining your desires and manifesting your dreams.